god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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