In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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