The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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