I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
well you can't waste a boner
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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