He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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