Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
