Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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