maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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