when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
