i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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