no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
