Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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