Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
