what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
