turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
