Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
