I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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