if i died would you start the facebook group?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
