Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
