Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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