Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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