Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
