Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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