I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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