I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
