i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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