Where did you get a picture of my penis
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
