You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
