I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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