No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She said her name was "party"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
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the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
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Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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