I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
