i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
