peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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