i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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