i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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