I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....