apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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