He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?