I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.