All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.