have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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