Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
