Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
