is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
