____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
