It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
