Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
