On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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