I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
