Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
