I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
