So drunk its hurt
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
