Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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