omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Your cock deserves a montage
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
