i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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