just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
