is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
