enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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