I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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