I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
