I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
