The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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